Dear Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt,
I am desperately in need of your help. My ex-girlfriend, Helena, is constantly badgering me and following me around like a lost puppy. Even though I have informed her continually that I no longer love her and wish to be released from our understanding, she persists in asking me questions and declaring that she loves me dearly.
Furthermore, since I believe my connection to Helena to be severed, I have a new girlfriend, Hermia, the daughter of the noble Egeus. I am besotted with her but she now idolises the feckless local poet, Lysander. My competitor clearly has bewitched my darling Hermia and she is interchanging love tokens with him – who would choose that scum over me? Having permission to wed Hermia, surely the marriage should proceed as I have a right to be her husband in the eye of the law.
Helena is Hermia’s closest friend, and Helena would most certainly ruin my reputation by protesting about the marriage and thereby destroying my relationship with Hermia, calling into question my integrity. Why would Hermia rather marry Lysander? Moreover, Helena’s presence makes me feel desperately nauseous: our connection could never be rekindled.
If I do not wed Hermia soon, will she perhaps elope with Lysander instead?
Honestly, the influence that hopeless romantic has on my beautiful-soon-to-be wife is befuddling. Clearly, Lysander lacks loyalty or any other characteristics befitting of a worthy suitor.
I implore you to consider the facts of the situation and apply your wisdom to guide me to the life my heart desires.
Demetrius, The Great and Athletic