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In My Defence

In My Defence

Joe Pickles


In my defence, I was particularly hungry that day, though I would have preferred a tastier meal than the one I was forced to eat.  The milkman had stopped delivering to my address – apparently I was too far off the beaten track.  I couldn’t make pancakes so I had to look further afield for food.

I live deep in the heart of the forest so life’s not easy – there are no supermarkets.  There used to be a village here but as soon as my neighbours got to know me, they moved on.   I am not anti-social so maybe it’s something to do with my rather wild appearance.

Anyway, I began my search early.  Sounds bounced off the trees like tennis balls.  Birdsongs entered my ears and flew around my head.   I was strolling down the path when a divine smell caressed my nostrils.  Was it the aroma of freshly baked bread or the scent of a delicious cake?  I was overjoyed.  Not only did this mean there was a delicacy nearby, it also meant I wasn’t completely isolated.   I instantly veered off the track and allowed my nose to lead me onwards.  My taste buds zinged in anticipation and saliva escaped from my gaping mouth.

I caught a glimpse of a little hut perched on a hill.  This had to be the source!  I dashed up and peeked through the kitchen window.  That huge pie was a wonderful sight.  But I was distracted by a shrieking elderly lady being chased round the table by mice.  I was so shocked by this scene that my rather large mouth fell open and stayed open.  The next thing I knew, the poor lady had dived head first through the window straight into my mouth!  Mouthwash would have been useless against that terrible taste!

Well, a meal as nasty as that made me so ill I had to lie down in the lady’s bed.  I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, a girl in a crimson coat entered the bedroom.  After taking a long look at me and mumbling a few things I couldn’t quite hear (probably something along the lines of Grandma not looking herself) she jumped to a conclusion.  “You ate my granny, you monster!” she screamed, and then she leapt at me.

I am not a big fan of children, especially ones who attack me, so I opened my mouth wide and I screamed too.  Not surprisingly, that meal was no better than the first one.
Unfortunately, a passing lumberjack witnessed this, kicked down the door and came at me with his chainsaw.  What a cheek!

The rest of my day was a bit of a blur though I do remember the police dragging me off and shoving me into a van.

So, there you have it.  I am completely innocent.  I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Just for the record, pork is my favourite food, but that’s another story…


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