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Saffron Kumar

She looks out of the window whilst the snow falls down gently. She feels judged by the snow as if it is telling her to stop daydreaming. Yet she keeps staring at him. The waiter across the street. How he serves plates with his smiling lips, his deep black hair as he slowly brushes it back with his hand. She just wants to touch him. To speak to him, but her insecurities and emotions trap her like she cannot move.

So instead, she watches, dreams, and thinks of what she could do if she had the confidence and the people around to hype her up. Her friends?   She has them yet no one to trust. She feels alone… as if not all aspects of her life can go well at once. Something must always go wrong for something else to go right, like a constantly shifting jigsaw. Her life is a puzzle which she feels she should be able to complete but she does not know how.

Instead, she studies and studies trying to impress someone and feel something, but failure is always present in her mind no matter how well she does. The pressure of life falls and holds her down into bed. She wants to get up, but she cannot. She tried too many times to be knocked down… her energy watching her, laughing, as it waits for her to fail another day. Another week. Another year.

Many call her weird when she acts herself, but boring when she is quiet. She feels like she is a part of the jigsaw that does not fit in anywhere in her family. In her friends. In her life. She wonders if it could all just go away but is fearful.

No one understands her and no one feels her emotion, but she still sits in that same coffee shop with her laptop wondering and wondering if one day she will finally have her dream of success. This boy. Even his smile breaks the cold layer of ice the world casts on her, the warmth of his image warms her comforting the insecure energy around her like a blanket of security. Maybe she should just talk to him? Maybe… just maybe…