From 2013: The Seven Dwarves
(featuring Snow White)
Here we go again; another fairy tale. Another story filled with distressing damsels, arrogant princes and a mistreated mythological creature that is subject to cruel accusations. Please note that this is not the famous, family-friendly edition of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. This is the real story. The Seven Dwarves (featuring Snow White). Expect some shocking plot twists, and a different story entirely; the unabridged version. It should be quite new to all of you.
The idea of Snow White being killed by a group of misunderstood mythical dwarves has disturbed some of the readers, but it is the true story. I really should start now.
One day, a couple of years ago and in a land quite near to here, the mythical kingdom was ruled by a generous king and queen. The entire land was wealthy and prosperous, with business thriving, no disease and no criminals. But there was one grey cloud blocking some of the sun. That was the princess, Snow White; the teenage daughter of the monarchs.
But seriously, what kind of parent names their child Snow White? It’s a bit of a joke really. Next thing you know there’ll be someone called Rain Purple. Anyway, they had a moody daughter named Snow White. She was rebellious, frustrated and annoying. She was also spoilt, possibly her worst attribute. She never appreciated any of it. She always wanted more.
But, what Snow White loved more than anything else was being the centre of attention. One day she hatched a cunning plan to cause chaos and fear across the city. She was going to kidnap herself. I know, the plot has many flaws, but the biggest of them has to be that it involved going into the Big Bad Wood. There was a reason they gave it such an ominous name. She even wrote a fake ransom note. What an annoying child. I, personally, have always hated princesses. The amount of effort people use to save them is ridiculous. Nobody understands that the whole scenario would be completely different if they weren’t so foolish in the first place.
Anyway, she ran off into the heart of the dark, sinister forest. What would happen next would be the whole cause of this story. She was kidnapped by seven dwarves.
An hour or so later, Snow White opened her eyes. Her head was throbbing, and her vision was blurry. She felt like she was very off balance, until it occurred to her she was hanging upside down.
“Oi, she’s awake!” a gruff voice said. It was all very confusing to Snow White, hanging upside down in a log cabin, surrounded by dwarves.
“Where am I?”
“Shut it. You are going to tell us the information we need to make money out of this escapade”
“Pardon, what?” asked Snow White, in a dazed fashion.
“I’m sorry. Where are my manners?” a dwarf murmured, before belching extremely loudly. “I am Grumpy. These are my brothers; Frustrated, Annoyed, Severely Miffed, Angry, Infuriated and My Blood is Boiling. Now back to business. We know who you are. You’re that tike who lives in the palace aren’t you? Yes? Okay. You are going to tell us the postcode for the palace and the location of the nearest post box.”
What she told them was to untie her at once, that she was part of the royal family and that their etiquette was unacceptable. She went on and on, until they had no choice but to throw her off the edge of the nearest cliff. So, that’s the end of her, which is good, because it was getting a bit boring, wasn’t it.
But then the dwarves had a problem” what to do about the ransom. Eventually, after several hours, they hijacked the delivery boy’s bicycle and sent the letter to the palace anyway, regardless of Snow White’s current condition.
When the palace received the ransom, as they were a gullible king and queen, who had spent most of their lives sitting in an enchanted castle drinking tea, they immediately sent the ransom money, without realising the dwarves’ plan.
Once they received the money, all seven dwarves decided to buy a van and drive to Las Vegas. When they got there they managed to make a fortune, as it is a known fact that dwarves are gifted poker players.
They lived happily ever after. I’m not so sure about the kingdom. But in my opinion, the dwarves had the courage to do something everybody secretly wanted to do: to get rid of Snow White.